Cancer and Judgment

moon Kâloa Pau
‘Ikuwâ 6

To many patients, cancer feels like a death sentence. Receiving a death sentence implies that one has been judged. I experienced cancer as a judgment, especially considering I don’t meet any of the risk factors for the type of cancer I was diagnosed with.

If I had gotten skin cancer, that would make sense. I spent decades surfing in the sun, and I grew up before sunscreen was available. But colorectal cancer comes out of left field. I don’t smoke, drink, eat meat or fast food, and have relatively little stress. In addition, I have done numerous colon cleanses, cleansing fasts, and eaten oatmeal for breakfast for over 30 years.

When I explained this to my oncologist, he said, “Sometimes you just get unlucky.” In my experience, luck has very little to do with anything, so I started to see this dis-ease as a judgment. Why would the Universe, God, or my body send me cancer?

In order to answer this question, I had to become aware of how I judge others. I used to constantly judge anyone in my presence. I would judge their athletic ability, intelligence, integrity, looks, and value.

The best example I can give are the thoughts I think while driving. If someone is not turning right at a red light, I usually assume that they don’t know the laws; are too timid to drive in America; are waiting to cross three lanes when they should just turn into the right lane then merge left once they are out of my way; or are just complete idiots. I constantly judge other drivers based on how fast they are going, how long they wait at stop lights, what kind of car they are driving, or what race, gender, and class they look like they belong to.

I assume that Mercedes and BMW drivers are going to be selfish in all their driving choices. I silently accuse drivers with Asian trinkets hanging from their rear view mirrors of being dangerous and untrustworthy (even though I’m Asian). I usually view women drivers as inferior, especially older Asian women, even though my mom is a very good driver.

This is just while I’m cruising down the road. When I enter any social situation, I start judging everyone and everything incessantly. Even in spiritual circles, I tend to think, “That person is such a hypocrite” or “they think they are enlightened, but they have so much ego.”

Luckily, one of the prayers I say every morning is the St. Francis Prayer: “…Oh Divine Master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, pardoning that we are pardoned, and dying that we are born into eternal life.”

One morning, I understood that in order to pardon myself from this death sentence of cancer, I had to start pardoning others. I saw how the line “it is in giving that we receive” doesn’t just mean that we should give charitably, but also that we reap what we sow. If I constantly judge others negatively, then I, too, will be judged.

When I made a conscious effort to stop judging others, I felt my heart open. I had more compassion for those who were suffering so much that they felt the need to try to make me suffer. I also stopped judging myself for things I’ve done in the past or for judging others in the present.

When I dropped judgment, I lost the need to compare myself with others. I didn’t need to be more intelligent, more awakened, or more equanimous than others. Losing judgment helped me realize our connectedness. When I stopped trying to differentiate myself from others through judgment, I started to experience what Thich Nhat Hanh calls our fundamental “inter-being.”

At a recent fundraiser for Cancer Commons, I met a Maori man who told me “the only judgment we will experience is us judging ourselves on how we treated others.” If this is true, then this cancer diagnosis is me judging myself on how I treated others. The last few months have been a wake-up call to start treating others better.

The less I judge others and treat them with respect, the more I sense into the healing of my body, my relationships, and my spirit. From this perspective, what happens with the dis-ease in my intestinal track is of little consequence.

After a two hour intimate talk with my mother in which I released many judgments and resentments about her parenting decisions, she said to me, “I hope all this turns out well for you.”

“It already has, Mom,” I said with a smile.


Really enjoying my farmer’s market “organic” salads.I asked one of the farmers today at the market why she was not certified organic. She said that her husband uses compost to fertilize which is not certified organic. She also said that many organic farms use fertilizer and pesticide, but they are “organic” fertilizer and pesticide which often can be more toxic than non-organic. I also learned that farmers have to pay to fly the “organic” flag. She is a small farmer, so she refuses to pay.

Another farmer who has amazing walnuts said that the walnuts are organic since the only thing he does is water them, but he can’t call them organic because his grapes are not organic. A farm can’t be part organic and part non-organic.

I used to think that the organic stamp of approval was golden, but now I realize that “home grown” can often be more natural and healthy than certified organic. The lemons my mom grows are not organic, but I wouldn’t trade them for any lemon at Whole Foods.


Did more barefoot hiking with my dear friend, Oliver. Amazing how the ground changes texture after a good rain. You would think that it would be softer, but it was actually really rocky since a lot of the dust and fine sediment was washed away. We did find some nice soft, cool damp spots though. Life is amazing in its variety and diversity when we open ourselves up to it.


As you can see above, I’ve been trying to heal relationships with everyone by not judging so much. I’m experiencing so much more peace moment to moment.


It rained, so I did my prayers on an astroturf welcome mat on the balcony. Although it wasn’t as pure as in the park, it still felt good to feel the temperature and smell the rainy air. I realized that being outside is key, even if I am on the balcony.

Kūkae (BM)


6:30 AM small/medium BM

8 AM Small BM with no blood

9:15 AM Large BM

10:30 Large BM little blood

2 PM Medium BM little blood

9 PM sediment


1:30 AM Sediment

6:30 AM Blood and sediment. Small BM

7:28 AM Large BM tiny Blood and Sediment

9:45 AM Medium BM no blood

2:40 PM Tiny Sediment

10:00 PM Blood and Sediment.


5:30 PM Blood and sediment

7 AM Blood and sediment with medium BM

8:20 AM Medium BM Tiny Blood

9:30 AM Tiny Sediment

10:40 AM Small blood and sediment

2:30 PM Blood and sediment

9 PM Blood and sediment auburn


6:40 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

8:15 AM Medium BM w/blood and sediment

10:00 AM Small BM w/blood and sediment

3:30 PM Blood and sediment

5:30 PM Blood and sediment

6 PM Blood and Sediment.with small BM


2 AM Tiny Blood and Sediment.

7:30 AM Blood and Sediment.

8:10 AM Small BM w/Blood and sediment

9:15 AM Blood and sediment–Brown

2 PM Blood and sediment

8:00 PM Large amount of blood and sediment

Aloha Healings 10/26/2015

moon Hoku
‘Ikuwâ 26

At this week’s Meditation Circle, I was fortunate enough to spend some quality time with a man whom I, and many others, consider a living saint, Jayesh Patel. As he sat down to eat, Nipun Mehta introduced me, telling him about my recent cancer diagnosis and how I had decided to refuse conventional treatment and pursue more natural and spiritual forms of healing.

Jayeshbhai immediately began rubbing my back. In Hawaii we call this ‘olu ‘olu—roughly translated as gentleness, but more accurately described by Auntie Pilahi Paki as to treat others like you would a baby. All night, I watched Jayeshbhai ‘olu’olu everyone he encountered. He patted the tops of their heads hugged them, squeezed their hands and arms, rubbed the backs of their scalps, and just loved them like a mother loves a newborn.

Jayeshbhai turned to me and without a touch of pity or fear said, “the natural man uses nature to heal, and if he doesn’t heal then he accepts it is the will of God.” {I’m recreating all these quotations from memory, so I apologize if I misquote anyone or anything.] This one sentence encapsulated everything I’ve been sensing into since I got the pathology report two months ago.

He told me about how this was my path and how I could use it to send ripples of peace and healing to others. Then he looked deep in my eyes and said, “But you must have faith and patience.” To tell the truth, I had been getting a bit impatient recently and even had some lapses of faith, so these words struck a chord deep inside me.

Earlier in the evening, Jayeshbhai shared with the circle that he wants to create a movement, not a campaign. Campaigns have a beginning and an end. Movements never end. There is no exit strategy in a movement. I realized that my journey with cancer is a movement. There is no end—no cure. There is only loving what is, consistently, persistently.

I told Jayeshbhai that I admired how he deeply connected with everyone he met. He replied, “I just want to see everyone as myself. I want to see myself in everyone. I want to experience everyone’s darshan.” He smiled and said how simple life is—just love, everyone and everything.

“You don’t fight cancer; you love it,” he offered. I replied, “Yeah, I want to have darshan with cancer.” We laughed.

Parveen came by and Jayeshbhai spoke to him in their native tongue. Parveen translated for me:

“Our parents decide to give birth to us, but no one decides when we die. It is in the hands of nature. It is nothing to fear. It is just nature.”

“You can be the example of equanimity for everyone to see. We all sit in meditation trying to cultivate equanimity, but you can show us what equanimity looks like with how you deal with your journey.”

Before I left, Jayeshbhai gave me the sweetest hug. He put his head in my chest and just held me. I wanted to kiss the top of his head—like you kiss an infant’s head when they fall asleep in your arms.

In the short time I got to spend with this saint, he shared so much love, understanding, wisdom, care, and gentleness with me that I felt like I had just gotten some radical new high-tech treatment. But it wasn’t radical. It wasn’t new. And it wasn’t high-tech. It was just love.


I had breakfast with my brother’s ex-wife who is visiting from Ireland. I asked her how people in Ireland get their vitamin D, since there is not much sunshine. She said that when she was a kid, her mom used to make her swallow cod liver oil. Now she feeds her 5 year old daughter this oil during the winter months. I laughed, because I’m taking cod liver oil supplements to get my vitamin D3.


Doing my morning prayers every morning, but I missed a few movements and qigong walks. Today, I did the full program and barefoot hiking with my friend Oliver. I feel so much better when I do the full program.


Had brunch with my mom, step-dad, brothers, Aunty and Uncle, and my brother’s ex-wife. It was wonderful. No bad vibes anywhere.


Everything in my life seems to be here to teach me “faith and patience.” In the face of anything and everything, I’m trying to maintain faith and patience.

My friend, Michael Brabant, sent me a Reginald Ray guided meditation on the perineum. “In the Toltec tradition, the perineum is said to be the place in the body where the most fundamental, primordial reality of this world is located…When we work with the perineum, we are working with the most fundamental depth of the earth. The perineum is actually the gateway to the earth in its most deepest aspect.”

This resonates with me since the tumor the doctors found is right above the perineum. I feel like I am being asked to get in touch with the most fundamental, primordial reality. I’m also being invited to reconnect with the ‘âina or earth. All my exploration of Hawaiian spirituality leads me to focus on my na’au (guts including the perineum) and the ‘âina.

In this guided mediation, Ray emphasizes the simultaneous interaction between the earth, the breath, and the perineum. When I breath into my perineum, I feel like I am healing both my na’au and the ‘âina. In Hawaian, the word “na’auao” means “the enlightened mind.” So the na’au is a gateway to fundamental reality or enlightenment, as well.

Kūkae (BM)

The bleeding is definitely tapering off. I’m having movements of sediment with no blood. I’m also having the largest BMs in terms of size that I have had in 12 months. I am sensing into the tumor becoming inconsequential or non-existent.


7:10 AM Blood and sediment. Medium BM

7:50 AM Medium BM

3 PM Medium BM

5 PM Sediment and blood.

6 PM Sediment

6:20 PM Blood and sediment


4:30 AM Blood and Sediment.

7:10 AM Blood and lots of sediment. Medium BM

8:10 AM Medium BM no blood

9:45 AM Large BM no blood

3 PM Small BM w/ little blood

6 PM Blood and Sediment.

10/23 and 10/24

Blood and sediment throughout the day with very little BMs.


6:30 AM Tiny Blood and sediment

8 AM Sediment with no/blood

10 AM Sediment with small BM

10:30 AM Sediment

7 PM Blood and sediment with small BM

10 PM Blood and Sediment.


2:30 AM Blood and Sediment.

7:30 AM Tiny Blood and Sediment.

8 AM Medium BM with blood

11:30 AM Huge Long BM no blood

3:30 PM Large BM no blood


Aloha Healing 09/20/2015

waxing moon

‘Ole Kū Kolu
Māhoe Hope 19

My wife and I got in an argument about disciplining the boys this morning. She wanted more discipline, but I argued at what cost. She brought up my mother, and I said that is not a good example since she let her sons get beat for 12 years.

Then I totally lost it with my son Jett. I was yelling at him that if he didn’t get out of the house I would whip him. I told him how my step-father beat the crap out of us and if he didn’t behave i would do the same thing.

Last week, Alison reminded me of a famous Rumi poem:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

After I blew up at Jett, I felt all the cortisol and adrenaline rushing through my body. I felt guilty for losing my equanimity and peace of mind. I felt horrible for Jett who had to witness this explosion. So I went to the park to do some prayers and Aloha Awakening movements.

Recently, I have been getting lazy with Aloha Awakening movements. I’m still on Hawaii time, so I sleep through the sunrise and often skip the movements.

This reaction helps me to see that I still have cleaning to do. I can’t get lax.

I also sensed into the way in which this reaction is a clearing. Alison is right: what we resists persists. Rather than try not to have “bad” thoughts or emotions, I’m going to host every emotion and feeling that comes up then clean the house after they depart. Clean, clean, clean. Let them make their mess, then clean.

Morning prayers and movements are daily cleaning. After prayers and movements this morning, I felt lighter. I felt like I had shined the light on some darkness and opened a window to allow it to go its own way.


Ate the split pea soup again and avocados for lunch. I’m slowly working into raw foods recipes. Right now I’m dehydrating a raw onion bread.

Tomorrow I think I’ll make some raw veggie rice nori roles. :)


After morning prayers and movements, I spent time with Jett. Got really tired in the afternoon, so I took a nap on the benches when I took him fishing. When we got back home, I was exhausted, so I took another nap with some deep REM sleep. Not sure why I’m so tired, but I need to honor this process.


Lots of conflict today. Jett and I made up by going fishing. Sending my wife love in any way I can.


I’m still trying to hear what the right path is. Today was interesting because I was really tired, had a blow up with my son, and bled quite a bit. Not sure what that means in terms of my body, but I’m trying to stay patient and aware.

 Kūkae (BM)

Small sediment in the morning, followed by pretty normal BM in afternoon, but evening brought quite a bit of blood. Did an 11 ph enema again today with a lot of blood. I also couldn’t take too much water or hold it very long.

Part of me is sensing into the importance of the moon cycles on this process. Not sure what the correlation is yet, but I’m staying curious.

Aloha Cancer 9/6/2015

moonKàloa Kû Kahi

Màhoe Mua 6

Yesterday I had an amazing inner-child healing session with Leyna Brabant. We delved into the root of this dis-ease. A few powerful insights came up. Leyna keyed into my relationship with my biological father, Masaki Hattori. He went MIA in Vietnam when I was 3 years old. Even though he wasn’t there for most of my childhood, I still felt his presence.

masakiI felt like I needed to strive to become a perfect man, American, warrior, or sportsman. Leyna compared it to a blueprint with sharply defined edges and corners that I was being forced to mold to. At one point during the healing session, Leyna said my inner-child stopped posing in a martial arts pose and crawled into the fetal position.

I understand my father’s desire to hone me into a perfect weapon against the injustices he had experience in the Internment Camps during World War II. At one point, I just asked my father, “Can you just love me the way I am?” I am at heart a peaceful, non-violent, loving child. Leyna said she saw him holding a small plant. He placed it in the ground tenderly, watered it, and moved out of the way for the sun to shine on it. I reflected that it felt good to get nurturing from my father rather than honing.

Images of Obi Wan Kenobi came up. Obi Wan never forced Luke to become a Jedi. He made the offer and Luke refused. It wasn’t until Luke’s uncle and aunt were slaughtered by stormtroopers that Luke agreed to learn the ways of the force. I have been looking for this type of avuncular guide/teacher/guru my entire life. I now realize that my Hawaiian grandfather, Keneze Kauhiaimakuakama Wood, was my Obi Wan.


Leyna also looked into my treatment options. She saw the image of a childhood maze in a book. The pencil goes through the maze, but the person going through the maze can only see just in front of the pencil. When a turn is required the person can see just enough to make the right decision. This reminds me of something Michael Lerner said, “Go only at the pace of guidance.” I will continue on this path until something else changes. Right now, I feel like this treatment plan is what my soul needs.

Leyna also said that my aura was open/exposed in the back. I’ve done a lot of work cultivating chi or mana, but I’ve never really thought about the backside. It makes sense that the dis-ease is in the rectum. It is a part of my aura that I continually neglect. I am going to start completing my aura, including the backside.

I am so grateful to Leyna who gifted me this 2 hour healing session. I feel blessed to be able to explore relationships with deceased family members. I really feel like I am honoring my ‘aumakua.


I’ve started eating an Indian healing food that consists of quinoa, lentils, peas, asafoetida, and other spices. Although I burned the first batch, it seems to give me more energy during the day.


Went surfing today at Ocean Beach with college friends, Jon Kitamura and Lance Harriman. Felt good to get wet then hang in the sunshine for a few hours.


Still ironing out the kinks with my wife. Today, she was upset that we spent the whole day at the beach (she is a New York City girl). She finally pulled over and said, “You drive home.” As we were switching seats, I grabbed her and gave her a hug. It doused the fire and reminded us that love is all we need.


In addition to doing some inner child work, just being in the ocean felt soulful. Surfing was a big part of my spiritual life for over 25 years, so it felt like going back to church after a long hiatus.

Surfing as Sadhana


Lots of blood. Bright red. Not sure why I had the tapering off in the last few weeks then a new flow. Just accepting what my body needs to do to heal.

Aloha Cancer 9/04/2015

Moon cycle

‘Ole Kû Lua   Mâhoe Mua 4 moon_day_WanG_60

Got this email this morning:

I hope this finds you well.  I’m writing to let you know of our group’s experiences and insights in the distance healing session we performed for you Thursday evening.  The session was organized by having one person directly send healing to you (supported by the guidance of the Source of All that Is) while all the others sent Unconditional Love from Source to support the healing.  We also visualized the healing from above to support the person who was directing the energy to you.  After the session all of us recounted what we saw and sensed.  Here are the reflections from the group:

  • The woman who was directing the healing energy to you saw a bright healing light go directly to your heart, ensconce your upper body and eventually spread to your whole body.  She received guidance to send you a feeling of safety, security and unconditional love in your body and on the planet and the feeling and the belief that you are safe, belong and are loved and embraced by the Earth and your body.  She then sent a healing from Source combining the Unconditional Love that the who group was sending to be directed to every cell of your body/ being in the highest, best and easiest way possible.
  • Another participant said they saw a very bright light move into and through what appeared to be bone — he said he felt a strong desire for you to heal and then some fear came up and then there was a very powerful flow of bright light and healing energy, the fear having been transformed into a full embrace of healing energy
  • A third participant said they saw a yellow light move around your right and then left shoulders and then around the entire top of your body
  • Another participant said they felt a very strong & powerful flow of Unconditional Love and she had the felt sense that your body was deeply receiving this energy
  • I also saw a very bright golden white light go directly to your heart and completely set ablaze your heart chakra, from there the energy moved down your entire body and I saw it especially flow through your digestive track all the way from your esophagus through your entire GI track through the colon and rectum.  I also saw an image of your face and your warm, soulful smile.  I could feel your presence & gratitude very strongly.
  • Everyone commented on and agreed upon sensing your beautiful presence and pure good soul.  We were all humbled, grateful and moved to offer the healing.  

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to be in touch. Also, if you want to share anything with us concerning your experiences of the healing or its impact of course we would love to hear this.  I have cc’ed Anjuli, my wonderful and gifted teacher who convenes the group.

I hope you are doing well brother, and I will be keeping you in my prayers.  Blessings!

meditating in sunriseThe funny thing is that yesterday evening I was feeling tired, yet peaceful. I went to bed early, but woke up twice in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The bowel movements consisted of just blood and red sentiments that collected in the bottom of the toilet bowl.

I have a feeling that this was my body clearing toxins. I don’t claim that this was my tumor dissolving, but it definitely felt like a release. I was a bit disappointed that I had to wake up in the middle of the night to bleed because I haven’t had to do that for the last week, but when I got the email in the morning, it all made sense.

I am so grateful for friends and strangers who are willing to take time and energy to send distant healing. I truly believe this type of treatment really works. I read in Michael Lerner’s book about a study where people prayed for cancer patients anonymously (this means that the patients did not know they were being prayed for). The test group survived at much higher rates than the control group.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers, comments, and healing light and love, especially Mordecai and Anjuli for organizing the powerful distance healing group on Thursday.


Adding oatmeal with almonds, honey, and dates in the morning to try to keep my energy up. Mangosteen, Apex, wheat grass, chia seed, and flax seeds remain daily diet treatments.


Did my full morning prayers in the park. I really enjoy the rainbow back bends because they allow me to see the trees, sky, and, today, the moon from a new perspective. I’ve started including Hawaiian moon calendars on my posts to monitor the moon cycle. Today is a bad day for fishing and planting, so it is a good day to rest and play.


Things are so much more peaceful in the house since my wife and I made life-long commitments to each other. Got a bit upset with Jett this morning for watching tv and dillydallying, but I plan to apologize to him when I see him after school.


Feeling very supported in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. The distance healing, the prayers, the comments on the blog, the emails, the facebook messages, the text messages, the phone calls…everything sings the Divine and lôkahi (unity/unbrokenness). So grateful to be alive, right here, right now.


see above.

Aloha Cancer 9/2/2015

strauch sunsetToday, I talked to legendary surfer Paul Strauch Jr. He told me some powerful things about Aloha and healing. When I told him that I was diagnosed with cancer and I was going to try alternative methods like Hawaiian spirituality, he said that he honored that commitment, but wanted me to keep an open mind to the technological advances in modern medicine. We reflected on the ‘ôlelo no’eau (wise Hawaiian saying), ‘A ‘ohe pau ka ‘ike I ka hâlau ho’okahi—all of your knowledge is not learned in one school.

This advice felt very nurturing. I was listening to Israel Kamakawiwo’ole right before my conversation with Uncle Paul. Between songs, Israel said, “Hawaiian to me is the feeling of getting somewhere without stepping on anybody’s toes, without causing friction with anybody.” Paul Strauch doesn’t step on anyone’s toes, which is why, even in the dog-eat-dog world of surfing, he is known as the “Gentleman Surfer.”

strauch and duke

Uncle Paul told me how his father would tell him to ask permission whenever he entered someplace unfamiliar. He did this when he entered the ocean. Sometimes the answer would come in ka makani nahenahe (an inviting subtle breeze). Other times a strong gust in the face would clearly mean no, so Paul wouldn’t go surfing that day.

Paul’s mother taught him to have respect for all relationships, even with the dead. After funerals, she would take pa’akai (Hawaiian sea salt), mix it with water, and use it to bless the family as they re-entered the house after the funeral.

These lessons of asking permission and respecting all relationships resonate deep in my na’au (guts). I am going to practice these rituals daily in my relationships with loved ones, strangers, nature, and everything around me.

I’m also going to ask permission of my tumor and try to make peace with my body. I believe that true healing comes in the form of mâlama ko’u kino—caring for our bodies. I don’t believe in the “war against cancer.” Cancer is part of who we are. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Light and love that is what my body needs right now.


Chia seeds/flax seed meal/barley grass in morning

Fresh juiced carrot, kale, cucumber, mint, asparagus juice in morning and afternoon.

3 oz Xango Mangosteen juice 3x daily

Quinoa, black beans, avocado, salads, oatmeal, hummus, for meals. I have started eating 4 small meals rather than 3 large meals everyday


Aloha Awakenings morning prayer exercises


Stayed peaceful with everyone


Accepted that there are others who don’t believe in what I am doing


Slight bleeding in stool. BM was long and thin. Feeling slight pressure or bloating in rectum.


Kozo Hattori:

New friend, Pavi Mehta, speaks truth, hope, and forgiveness in this beautiful poem. Let it sink in and enjoy.

Originally posted on The Poetry Of:

I want you to know that I have made mistakes
Enough to fill ten thousand king-sized bathtubs
Enough to try the patience of a hundred saints.
I have been terribly stubborn, frequently selfish
And am prone to devastating bouts of pettiness.
Yes. I am quick to fall, slow to rise, full of faults.
Yet I want you to know, that even to my window
Each morning, knocking with long, golden arms
Comes the sun.

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