I was trying to squeeze in my hour long Vipassana guided meditation while putting the boys to sleep. 3 year old Fox had a different agenda.
“Daddy, I’m hungry.”
“Daddy, I want my pink Shamu”
“Daddy, I have to go poo poo and pee pee.”
After restarting the audio track three times, I decided to ignore any further requests since it was now past 9:30 and both Fox and I needed to get to sleep.
Fox went on the hunt. He pulled out my headphones then started to climb on top of me. At one point, he was sitting on my shoulders when the guided meditation said, “Remain Aware; Remain Equanimous.”
I was just about to yell at Fox, “Get Off Me! I’m trying to meditate,” when I realized that I was not being equanimous. I was not accepting things as they were, but rather was trying to control things to my likings.
I almost laughed when I thought about something that KM Huber had posted on her blog recently:
“When coming out of sitting, don’t think that you’re coming out of meditation, but that you are changing postures” (Ajahn Chah).
Couldn’t giving my son loving attention so he could go to sleep be a different posture, a form of lovingkindness meditation? With compassion for my son and self-compassion for not finishing my evening sitting, I turned off the guided meditation and laid with Fox until he went to sleep.
In the middle of the night, I was awaken by Fox’s soft warm hands massaging my neck. He was still asleep. It felt like God was acknowledging my “sacrifice.”
Adyashanti says that at any moment, the only thing that exists is ultimate reality. So the question, “How do I sustain ultimate reality?” is totally absurd.
“Since there is only enlightenment, which just means reality, whether we know it or not…the pertinent question is ‘how is it that I unenlighten myself moment to moment’.”~Adyashanti
By striving for enlightenment with my strict regime of meditation and ignoring the love and needs of my son, I was unenlightening myself. I was focusing on self and ego rather than recognizing how we are all connected. Our true practice lies not in sitting alone, but in how we interact with others.
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Do you catch yourself striving for something that is already there? Please share.