Aloha Healing 9/28/2015

full moonKulu
Māhoe Hope 28

Spent the day on the East Bay today. So many intersections. Here are a few highlights:

Motherly Love

First, I met with Sandy, a friend from Hawaii. A month ago, when Sandy heard about my diagnosis, she gifted me with $100 of Mangosteen juice. Today, I picked up a new supply from her.

We started talking about mothers and she shared a powerful story. One of her friends was a devoted mother. She did everything for her kids who are now in their twenties. In the last week, all three of her kids told her in their own way that she was not a good mother. She was shocked.

She told Sandy that she had not been loved as a child, so she made sure that her children knew that they were loved. Sandy observed that the love that she was giving to her children was the love that she never got. She was not loving her children how they wanted/needed to be loved, but instead how she wanted to be loved.


For lunch, I met with ServiceSpace friends at Cafe Gratitude. We were talking about 10 day meditation retreats, fears around money, and one of our dear friends who has Aplastic Anemia. One of the volunteers summed up the whole conversation with an insight about equanimity. She said that it is not about reaching a destination whether that be financial security, enlightenment, or a clean bill of health. Meditation helps us embrace whatever arises with equanimity. It’s not about changing outcomes; it is about changing our present moment reactions.

Moms Again

After lunch, I headed to my mom’s house. She and my step-father were busy planning a trip, so for the first half-hour I just sat on the couch while they ironed out the details. I wanted to talk to my mom alone, but she seemed to want to talk in front of my step-father. I asked her a few questions about when she was pregnant with me. She mentioned one story about my father that revealed a scarcity mentality. My mom said that one of the soldiers my father was in charge of had an expecting wife, but wanted to buy a set of encyclopedias. My father felt the need to explain to this soldier that he needed to save his money for diapers, baby food, etc.

While in Hawaii, my uncle told me that one thing my father told him before he died was that he was satisfied that he had provided enough financially for his sons in the event of his dying.

My father seemed really concerned with financial security. Interesting how this concern gets transferred onto me, especially now when I’m dealing with medical bills and a lack of a steady income.

I only got to talk to my mom for about 20 minutes, but I was grateful for that and left for dinner at my friend’s house.

Backing Into the Future

My friend Michael made some fresh organic vegetable juice, guacamole with cucumber slices, and baked brussels sprouts chips for dinner. After we chowed, he offered me a healing session with modern Tarot cards. He asked me to pick three cards: one each for the past, present, and future.

tarot cards

For the past I drew “Transformation,” which in the classic tarot card deck is the Death card. It talked about rebirth.

The present card was “Solitude” that stressed the need to spend time alone in meditation, prayer, and solace.

The future card was “Heartbreak and Loss” that emphasized the need to go through the darkest aspects of life to find the Light.

Michael read into these cards what I had been sensing for months now. First, my egoic mind would like these cards in the reverse order. In my mind, I have already been through heartbreak and loss with the loss of my career, broken relationships, and the diagnosis. In the present, I spend time in meditation and prayer which leads to a future full of transformation. What a great story!

The reverse order, however, paints a different picture. The future holds more shadow that I need to be aware of. Michael emphasized that the cancer was a very small part of my spiritual development. I had the idea that if I made peace in all my relationships that this cancer would cure itself. I was in a rush to heal all these relationships to try to get rid of the cancer as soon as possible.

I even had the thought that if I healed the cancer, I would be a well-known and sought after Jedi Master: “The circuit is now complete. Now I am the master.”

These cards humble me and make me realize that I have more cleaning/clearing to do. The solitude card reminds me to go slowly and take care of myself. The heartbreak & loss card keeps me looking for shadow and blind spots.

Like Michael says, without an agenda the true path becomes clear. I’ve been so focused on my agenda to heal the cancer that I’ve lost sight of the present moment. I’m like Sandy’s friend who raised her children with the agenda of healing her childhood. If I drop my agenda of getting rid of the tumor or becoming enlightened, then true guidance and spiritual growth will come. It all comes back to equanimity and being in agreement/alignment with whatever the present moment offers–not wishing ANYTHING to be different.


Great meal at Cafe Gratitude followed by nourishing juice made with love by Michael.


Did morning prayers and exercises, although a shortened version, since I had an early appointment.


What a day of relationships. Spent time with wise elders, ServiceSpace volunteers, my mother and step-father, and Michael Brabant–a powerful healer.


Learning to navigate with an agenda-less rudder.

Kūkae (BM)

I kept a log of kûkae today. I’m using this to monitor my health, not for blog readers. :)

7:30 AM blood followed by medium BM

8:30 AM Large BM with a little blood

11:00 AM Large BM with a little blood

7:00 PM lots of bloody sediment, although not a lot of blood

8:50 PM small sediment with very little blood

Every few days, I seem to clear out a lot of my colon in one day, followed by days with small BMs.

Aloha Healing 9/22/2015

waxing Gibbous

Māhoe Hope 22

I appreciate all the love and comments I have been getting on this blog. I agree that I really need to delve into my relationship with my mother. I will write about this after I have a heart to heart with her–I promise.

I had a day that had little to no conflict in it. We are taking our sons out of a Chinese Language Immersion school and putting them into a normal elementary school. Jett was crying that he doesn’t want to leave his friends. I tried to be compassionate and let him feel his grief. We ended up getting to Beryl’s apartment late and she was not happy. I tried not to react and was able to drop the boys off without an argument.

It feels good to have an entire day without conflict. I’m even finding that I don’t get upset with drivers, litterbugs, and unscrupulous people. Someone stole Fox’s bike today, but I didn’t look down on the thief. I guess they needed the bike or the money more than we did.


Ate the veggie sushi and split pea soup leftovers today. For some reason, I had a lot of gas today. Not sure if it is the daikon or too much alkalinity in the body from all the alkaline water I have been drinking.

I realized today that besides Apex,Mangosteen, and psycho/spiritual practices, I’m not really doing any cancer treatments. Diet is not necessarily a cancer treatment. I need to start regularly applying powerful cancer treatments. I’m going to make an intention to start these treatments in the next week.


Again, I did early morning prayers and movements. I’m feeling more flexibility in my hips and hamstrings. My body is very skinny, but tone. I did my exercises, dropped the boys off at school, worked 5 hours, and still had some energy in the afternoon.


Like I said, not much conflict today. We’ll see how many days I can keep this up.


Been having some bizarre and vivid dreams lately. The funny thing is that my body doesn’t get involved. I used to have dreams about fighting or surfing, and my body would get all tense. I would even grind my teeth. The other night I had a dream about having to fight my high school friend to the death and I didn’t tense up at all. I ended up running away and jumping down a building into a prison, but I still didn’t get tense in the body.

Same thing goes for semi-erotic dreams. I have to say that my sex drive is really low. I don’t even wake up with morning wood. I’m not trying to be graphic, but I want to document any possible symptoms or reactions I’m having to this dis-ease and the treatments. Perhaps a low protein, sugarless diet is lowering my libido.

Kūkae (BM)

Just when i thought I was entering a pattern??? Today, I had a lot of bleeding and sediment throughout the day. I am aware that we are entering a new phase of the moon from ‘ole pau to huna. Not sure if that is a factor. Trying to be patient.

I also stopped taking the cod liver oil because I want to get a urine sample to do an assessment of my treatment and excess vitamin D messes with the test. I will get the sample on Thursday and get back on cod liver later that day.

Aloha Cancer 9/16/2015

moon waxingKū Kolu

Māhoe Mua 16

It has been a whirlwind the last few days. Haven’t been able to post, so I’m going to summarize here.

September 12th, 2015

On the heels of the 14th anniversary of 9/11 attacks and the 23rd anniversary of Hurricane Iniki, the torrential rains of yesterday cleared up, and I woke up to blue skies over Oah`u.

Headed out to Kailua to the Ulupo Heiau where I was meeting a hula teacher named Malia Helela. Ulupo actually means “grow out of darkness.” So all these images and weather patterns seemed to indicate a coming into the light from the dark.

Ulupo Heiau

I got to the sacred site early, so I walked around to check out the huge rock walls. At the bottom of the heiau I heard a movement in a Ti leaf plant next to me. Turns out a mo`o (gecko) was jumping from leaf to leaf. Then as I walked back to the meeting place, a large seed of a Pū Hala tree hit me right on the top of my head.

Later I learned that a mo`o goddess was known to frequent the heiau. Maybe she was hitting me on the piko (top of the head/crown chakra) to wake me up.

Malia showed up with 30+ volunteers to clean up the heiau. I joined her team that was put in charge of clearing the auwai (waterways) to the lo`i (taro patches). Malia emphasized that we are clearing not only the auwai, but also our own waterways in our bodies, minds, and spirits. This hit me deeply, since I am literally clearing a tumor out of my intestinal waterway.

Another powerful insight that Malia shared had to do with the ua (rain). She said that she had been taught never to run from the rain because it was a blessing. Working in the wet taro patches with sprinkling rain did feel like a blessing.

I was so happy to clear muddy waterways that I lost track of time. With a quick farewell, I jumped in the car and headed back to my Auntie’s house in Aiea. By the time I got back, I realized that I had just enough time to either eat or shower before the workshop.

I was starving, so I chose food. Driving to the workshop in my muddy jeans and tee-shirt, it dawned on me that this was a powerful practice of ha`aha`a (humility). What better way to stay humble than to “lead” a workshop in clothes dyed by the ‘āina (land).

workshop facilitator

At the workshop 15 curious participants showed up. My cousin came with her husband and son. She told her son that he could leave whenever he wanted because they brought two cars. He ended up staying the full 7 hours.

Another woman said she had to leave after a few hours, but ended up staying for six.

In one part of the workshop we ‘olu‘olued (comfort/be gentle with) each other by cradling our partner like a baby. After the exercise, one participant was amazed that her partner sang her favorite childhood song to her–“You are my Sunshine.” It turns out that these participants had never met before. Giovanni said he just felt like humming something, so he chose that song.

After 7 hours, we were all tired, but I felt connected with everyone there. It was a wonderful first Aloha Awakenings in Hawaii.

As I was packing up, my cousin drove her car up and gave me a big box. It was a water ionizer machine. She had bought me the deluxe machine that costs over 3000 dollars! I came to Hawai`i for the “Ha” (breath of the Divine), the “wai” (water), and “i” (spirit). Now I was leaving with a lifetime supply of healing wai.

I have been drinking the ionized 9.0 ph water everyday, and I feel so much better. Thank you for your love and generosity, Marie. You are my favorite cousin. :)

September 13, 2015

I woke up before dawn and drove out to see the sunrise on the Eastside of the island. It was beautiful, but also pouring rain, so I came back and crashed in front of the television.

sunrise kailua

On the public television was a show on cancer. They discussed powerful natural cures including olena (turmeric). At Ulupo, I met one of Malia’s students named Kaiolena (ocean turmeric). I took this as a sign to include turmeric in my healing.

At lunch, I went to the store to buy poi (pounded taro paste). While walking in, I made eye contact with a large Hawaiian man who looked a lot like my Hawaiian grandfather. He gave me a huge Hawaiian smile. I took this as a sign that my grandfather was happy with me.

In the afternoon, I met my friend Darren at Kaimana beach to go swimming. We talked about healing relationships with our fathers. I told Darren how I had talked with my stepfather and did some inner child healing work around my biological father. He talked about healing the relationship with his father and his grandfather. “I just wish my grandfather had told me that he loved me and was proud of me. Just one time,” Darren said.

Darren and his wife are expecting a son, so I shared that we can tell our sons how much we love them.

Giovanni from the workshop turned out to be a Reiki Master, so he showed up around sunset to give me a session. Giovanni is a natural healer. He has very hot hands. In ancient Hawaii, they would choose children to become Kahuna LomiLomi (Masters of Healing Massage) by how hot their hands were.

At one point during the session, Giovanni had one hand on each of my feet. It felt very grounding and stable. While he had his hands on both my feet, I felt someone caressing my forehead. I had my eyes closed, and a thought occurred to me that someone else might be there looking through my backpack, but it felt so good to have healing hands on my feet and head that I just kept my eyes closed.

After the session (before I could tell Giovanni about my experience), he shared what the session was like for him. He said that he sensed the presence of a mother figure who was saying, “My son, my son” while he was grounding my feet. He also said that she sternly said, “Don’t give up; you know better.”

Giovanni also said that he almost started crying at one point when the iPod that was on shuffle played, “Ave Maria.” He felt the presence of angels surrounding us.

I remember recognizing the song and feeling a deep peace with the moment.

When I told Giovanni about feeling someone at my feet and forehead, he was blown away. He said he wasn’t sure if he should share what he experienced with me, but was glad he did.

What a day!

September 14th

Before boarding the flight back to California, I waited as long as I could to breathe in as much mana (power) from the ‘āina (land) as I could. The change in oxygen levels from Hawaii to the airplane to California were obvious.

sunset san jose

I landed to a gorgeous sunset in San Jose.


Ate a lot of raw vegan food in Hawaii. I also had poi which felt nourishing and healing. For a few dinners, I did eat tofu which tasted great, but I’m not sure how that affects the dis-ease.

I have to say that drinking this alkaline ionized water has been really powerful. I feel so much more hydrated and nourished.


Did my exercises and prayers to the sunrise with some qigong walking at Kailua on 9/13 and some short exercises in the airport on 9/14. Not much exercises on the plane and I just crashed when I got home.


Lots of stress in the home after getting back from Hawaii. Jett and Fox are acting out at school. Beryl is feeling overburdened. Trying to keep the Aloha spirit alive in Cupertino.


The session with Giovanni gave me confidence to pursue my current path. I do feel like I have angels watching over me.

Seeing the Hawaiian man in the grocery store felt very comforting–kind of like another angel.

Kūkae (BM)

Noticeably less bleeding. Still bleeding, but less bloody mess when I wipe. I also had a few BMs where there was no blood or very little blood. I also feel like I don’t have as much obstruction when i have a BM.

Got a few signs around enemas while in Hawaii–including Mandy gifting me 2 enema bags with organic coffee. I am considering doing enemas with 11.5 ph water since cancer cells thrive in acidic environments.

Aloha Cancer 9/07/2015

moonMoon Cycle

Kàloa Kû Lua

Mâhoe Mua 7

Tomorrow I fly to Oahu for some healing and to give a workshop on September 12th. I called Hawaiian Airlines to request a vegetarian meal, and they said that they don’t offer vegetarian meals on North American flights.

The other day, I went to buy a belt at Target because I’m losing weight. I used to be a size 32 waist, but now I’m about a 30. Target had a ton of belts, but none of them were small. The smallest size they had was size 32.

Is it me, or is our country waging the “war on cancer” on the wrong battlefront? All this money goes into chemo, radiation, and surgery, but no one seems to pay attention to diet or obesity. It seems ludicrous that high fat, high protein diets are risk factors for cancer and heart disease, but we are not offered vegetarian meals on a 5 hour flight. Waist sizes are increasing along with a host of diseases associated with obesity, yet we don’t stop eating; we just buy bigger belts.


Made a pot of Indian healing food (khichdi) to bring on the flight tomorrow. Hope the TSA lets it past security. Otherwise, it is going to be a long day without food, since when I land, I still have to find a restaurant that caters to organic whole foods. Yesterday, the family and I ate at Judahlicious in San Francisco. Boys loved their “Exodus” rice bowl with veggies, kale, hemp seed, and vegan parmesan. Beryl chowed a “1/2 Nekked Burrito” and I gobbled up a raw “Dahnu Wrap” made with a housemade Raw Flax tortilla. raw food dish

This was after talking to my friend Moni, who is a raw, vegetarian chef. She said that helping me find a way to make food enjoyable again with my anti-cancer diet helped her remember why she became a chef in the first place. I’m so excited to find joy in eating again.


Did almost an hour of qigong walking today after morning prayers and movements. I’m really curious about the long term effects of this asymmetrical walking/breathing practice. I will write in detail the method on a future post.


I feel like I’m leaving for Hawaii tomorrow with all my relationships at peace. It is kind of like doing all the dishes before you go on a trip. You know that when you return, you don’t have any messes to clean up.


Really excited about leading a spirit/Aloha based workshop on Oahu this week. Not sure who will show up, but I am sure my soul will be there.


Seems like I went to the potty 12 times today. Not always bloody, but over the course of the day, quite a bit of blood. Had to sit down on a walk and take a nap around 12:30 PM. Getting hit with low energy right in the middle of the day. It could have also been that yesterday was a non-stop day with exercises, driving, surfing, playing, and cooking.

Aloha Cancer 9/05/2015

moon last quarterMoon Phase

‘Ole Pau

Màhoe Mua 5

I don’t meet any of the risk factors for rectal cancer. I eat healthy, do colon cleanses, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t eat meat. I have eaten oatmeal for breakfast every morning for almost 30 years. But one thing I did realize is that I tend to cook a whole bunch of oatmeal in the beginning of the week and warm it up in the microwave every morning. 30 years of microwaved food every morning could cause some damage.

Funny thing is that now that I cook the oatmeal from scratch every morning, I realize it doesn’t take that long. I’m not going to microwave anymore food. I wonder if anyone ever did a study on the rise in cancer rates in comparison with microwave sales. I remember when we use to put everything in the toaster oven. Now EVERYTHING goes in the microwave.

Am I sounding like an old man? :)


Same, but I’m trying to add some meals to maintain weight and energy levels. I’m getting really tired in the middle of the day.


Did morning prayers indoors today and it was noticeably unhealthy. Something about the ground, the air, and the sunshine outdoors really supercharge the prayers and movements. Yesterday, I did about 45 minutes of qigong walking with a qigong master. Powerful stuff. Will post more about this in the future.


Had a great Awakin Call this morning with ServiceSpace/Laddership leaders Natasha Rockstrom and Audrey Lin. Just being around ServiceSpace folks is healing.


Someone almost crashed into me while merging into my lane without checking their blind spot. This happens all the time in Cupertino. I honked to prevent getting hit, but then slowed down to let them in the lane. Small example, but i”m trying not to have pilikia (conflict) with anyone.


Lots of blood today. Not sure if it is from the distance healing on Thursday. Just trying to stay patient.

Guest Post: RARASAUR!!!!!!

Got a letter from Rara today asking me to publish this post because Grayson has had trouble getting internet access. Feel free to re-blog or send to anyone who knows Rara and her plight.

I skyped with a dinosaur!

How I’ve missed this icon on the blogosphere

The Space Between

There’s a cold science to the warm observance of art. Fancy galleries and museums all over the world apply careful calculations to the placement of viewing-benches and lights. It is a detailed symphony of diagonals and distance, measured to accompany the artistry and elevate the experience of beauty. At a certain angle, from a certain number of steps away, even your favorite masterpiece could look unappealing, or downright ugly, or worse–simply quiet. Can you even fathom the travesty of such a fate? To have something silenced by the space between when it could have spoken to you and shared its ageless secrets with the very insides of your soul? Such is the power of distance.

Anything can look gross from up close, but if you look even closer, most things become wondrous once again. It is an issue of science and the computations required to discover the perfect perspective.

For someone like me, life is as much about the observations as it is about the experiences. (It’s not that I don’t have a little adventurer in my heart–it’s that I have a giant scientist sitting on top of her.) I am constantly calibrating my perspective–growing and shrinking the space between myself and my observations with a dexterity evolved from life-long practice. The decision to look closer or step farther is a crafted science I learned from my father, but the act of doing so is an art I picked up from my mom. I continue to study the science, and act the art into existence. The goal is not to change reality, hide from truth, or eradicate the acknowledgement of all the world’s bad–but to shift a paradigm and to remember that everything under the sun has a place and purpose.

Rara quote

How it affects us on the outside is often unavoidable, but we can control how it speaks to our insides. We can translate it–changing what is whispered into a language that creates our best selves, and a landscape of our best possibility. Language is our legacy, after all–and, much like perspective, is a melody of science and art.

Today, the sun set over me. Her rays warmed the air and her shimmering power stilled the clouds. Fragments of orange and silky webs of red-purple shot around in all directions, kissing the ground with pink light. The sun herself glorified in the show–radiating inward as much as outward–reveling in her great celestial roundness and yawning into her cosmic nap.

Below her, on the dusty plateau around me, a baby jackrabbit chased a pale green apple, paying no mind to the schedules of stars. He tried to capture the fruit, but its size was too great for such small eager hands and it would simply roll away. The little rabbit didn’t seem to mind the chase–the treasured green prize was more than worth a weary hunt. A hundred feet above his tall ears and grand adventures, a bird flew in circles, stretching her wings and enjoying this brief moment of time where her wingspan was larger than the sun. She sang loudly, and her whistled song was about her freedom from everyone and her ownership of all the world. No one contested her tune or argued her claim, because no one could. Hers is a freedom that lives in her heart and an ownership of possibility that lives in her mind–and she is the only one who has power or providence there, in her insides, where the truth of her lives.

I mimicked her whistle and she approved–acknowledging my heart’s freedom with a proud slant of her head. I nodded back and caught another glimpse of the little rabbit. He was focused on apples and even less interested in whistled freedoms than in the mapping patterns of magnificent stars. I let myself absorb the secrets of the Sleeper, the Hunter, and the Singer. It required no shift of diagonal or distance because beauty such as theirs needs no elevation. Anyone who looks or listens will experience full measure of their truths–the sun’s faith in the sanctity of cycles, the rabbit’s dedication to the purity of the present moment, and the bird’s reminder that every soul is as free as it believes itself to be. I filled my mind with their wisdoms and carried the inspiration with me–down the pathway, past the guards, through the gates, and into my prison cell…

where I continued to whistle the song of my freedom.

Such is the power of perspective and beauty.



animation of sun

Old Souls and New Souls

van gogh shoesjordan 11

I’ve started seeing people in a whole new light. Instead of focus on age, gender, race, and culture, I try to categorize myself and others as old souls and new souls. This helps me remember that we are all one.

To help make sense of this new vision, I created the following chart. It should be noted that these are just opposite poles on a spectrum. There are huge gradations between an old soul and a new soul–a teenage soul, a twenty-something soul, a mid-life crisis soul, a matriarch soul. Continue reading