Aloha Healings 10/20/2015

waxing Gibbous `Ole Kū Kolu
‘Ikuwâ 20

After a long conversation with a family member, I realized how much of a burden I have been on my family. From the loss of my job to embracing gift ecology to the cancer diagnosis, I have been a financial and emotional albatross for many of my loved ones.

I used to get upset with others when they treated me in ways that I perceived as insensitive. “Don’t you know that I have cancer?” I would think or say under my breath. Now I see that I have drained the emotional gas tanks of many of those around me. I am trying to deepen into my practice of akahai–kindness or dealing with others as if I were wearing white gloves, so I don’t stain, damage, or hurt them.

I have even had the thought that it would be better for everyone if I just died. I have a fairly large life insurance policy and all those who are anxious about my alternative treatments would be able to relax and say, “I told him to get the chemo, radiation, and surgery.” I know this is literally a “deadly thought,” but it has arisen.

The flip side is that I need to live a long life to make up for all the heartache and pain I have caused.

I also think about all the people I have met since my unemployment. For them, I have been a positive influence. I have continued to find the silver lining even in very dark skies.

I guess the lesson is that we don’t have any control over others feelings and emotions. We can only shine our light as authentically as possible. Some will react to this light as a threat, while others will see it as an invitation. Some may blame you for their stress or distress. Others may thank you for their joy and happiness. I constantly remind myself of the Ho`oponopono teaching that I am 100% responsible for whatever arises in my life.

The Ho`oponopono prayer covers all of the thoughts above: “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” Those four statements clear all relational trespasses and forge bridges of lōkahi–unity, connectedness, unbrokenness. I guess I’m being asked to deepen into this prayer. I’m also reminded of what the angels told me during my Reiki session with Giovanni: “Don’t give up; you know better.”

Diet

Got off the turtle soup. Funny story–the night before I started drinking the soup, my sons were watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. In the movie, the bad guys are after the turtles to extract their blood which has powerful healing properties. I saw this as a sign, so I started drinking the soft-shell turtle soup.

After 2 days of profuse bleeding, I decided to stop. I realized that the real message was NOT to eat the turtles even if they have healing properties. My qigong master told me that the reason why I couldn’t just get soft-shell turtle powder at the herb store is because due to the rising economy in China, there is a shortage of soft-shell turtles. So the herb sellers are collecting the shells of turtles that have already been eaten to make the medicine. Seems to me that soft-shell turtles are heading for extinction, so I’m not going to participate in this slaughter, even if it means that I have to forgo the powerful medicinal properties.

Without the turtle, I have been pretty much raw, except for my morning oatmeal. I have also started drinking water from young coconuts. I also eat some of the meat from the coconut.

Exercise

After the fatigue from the turtles, I started my morning prayers and movements again. I’m finding deep healing in both the movements and the vibrations of the prayers.

Did 5 minutes of straight laughing with my men’s group last night. It felt great. Laughter is great medicine.

Relationships

As you can see above, I’ve been trying to empathize with those around me. It is a fine line to empathize while taking full responsibility of everything that arises in my field. The key seems to be not taking on the emotional baggage of others while trying to serve them.

Spirituality

Went to a memorial service for Trude Bock, the woman I used to do hospice care for. On the morning she passed, I decided to learn a Hawaiian chant called “E ala E.” Part of me felt like I should be spending quality time with Trude, but the night before I talked to another care giver and we agreed that Trude could live another year.

When I heard that she passed an hour after I left, I felt guilty  that I had not attended to her more that morning. But the Hawaiian prayer seemed almost God-sent: “Rise up/Awaken. The sun in the east. From the ocean, the deep ocean. Climbing to  heaven, the highest heaven. In the east, there is the sun. Arise/Awaken.” I chanted the prayer at Trude’s burial.

After the memorial service, I hopped in my car and the first song that came on was Kaukahi’s “E ala E”–a musical version of the prayer. It felt like Trude was talking to me or hugging me.

Also at the memorial service, I reconnected with another caretaker named Benedicta. When I told her about my diagnosis, she said to look at ways I haven’t forgiven myself. I sense there is something powerful there, but I’m not sure what I’m still holding against myself.

Kūkae (BM)

I seem to be alternating between days of cleansing out my colon and smaller BM days that consist of blood and sediment.

10/15

7 AM Blood and sediment

8 AM Medium BM w/blood

9:10 AM Large BM w/little blood

4 PM Sediment and blood with small BM

7 PM Small BM lots of blood

8 PM Blood and sediment

10/16

7 AM Blood and lots of sediment

8 AM Large/medium BM w/blood

11 AM Large BM w/little to no blood

4 PM Small BM w/blood

10/17

7 AM Blood and sediment

10 AM small BM

1:30 PM Blood and sediment

5:20 PM Blood and sediment

8:30 PM Blood and sediment

10/18

2:30 AM Blood and sediment

7:44 AM Tiny Blood and sediment

8:10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

10 AM Blood and sediment with small BM

6 PM Blood and sediment

10/19

7:10 AM Blood and sediment with large BM

9:30 AM Huge BM with no blood

10/20

6:30 AM Blood and sediment

8:10 AM Medium BM Blood and sediment

8:40 AM Medium BM little blood

3 PM Sediment

9:45 PM lots of Blood and sediment

Aloha Healing 10/13/2015

moon Hoaka
‘Ikuwâ 13

Took a blood test the other day and got the results back. My carcinoembryonic antigen (CEA) numbers have dropped from 1.8 to 1.5. My white blood cell numbers have risen back to normal, although my red blood cell numbers are low–understandable with all the anal bleeding.

When I asked my doctor about the numbers, he emailed, “CEA is not specific and usually not elevated in rectal cancer. You will be misled by following that number.” This kind of puzzles me because if CEA is “usually not elevated in rectal cancer” then why did he order the test? I had a special vial of blood extracted just to test CEA levels.

Another doctor emailed me and said, “CEA is a diagnostic/prognostic marker of significance. Testing for CEA levels is done routinely, and especially before and after treatment, such as surgery and chemotherapy.” Couldn’t we use CEA levels to monitor other treatments like mangosteen, protandim, raw foods, turtle soup, ho’oponopono, carrot juice, juicing, Aloha, and sunshine?

I’m not sure what to make of the test results, but I feel like the doctors aren’t sure what to make of them either. The difference is that the doctors ordered the test. What is the purpose of ordering a test that is “not specific and usually not elevated in rectal cancer”?

What these tests tells me is that the dis-ease is not spreading. My immune system is getting stronger as shown by the rising white blood cell count. The dropping level of CEA and the normal levels of Alkaline Phosphatase indicate that the liver has not been invaded.

The first doctor concluded, “As a physician, concerned about you, I have to refer you to oncology for the treatment for cancer. Other things do not help.” Other things besides oncology do not help. Interesting. Do I want to trust an opinion that does not believe that anything but oncology can heal the body?

This reminds me of a couple of sayings:

“When certainty comes in the door, curiosity goes out the window.”

“True ignorance is not not knowing something; it is not knowing that you don’t know something.”

I’m becoming more and more suspicious of allopathic medicine. To continue the used car salesman analogy, it is like asking about different cars on the lot and the salesman always bringing you back to the same car.

Diet

I told my qigong master that I couldn’t stomach the turtle soup, so he gave me some more herbs to add, so I tried the soup again. It has been giving me restless sleep and vivid dreams. Yesterday, I had pretty intense fatigue, and today, I haven’t had a bowel movement. I’m going to try the soup for one more night and see how it goes.

Exercise

Even with fatigue, I’m finding that doing morning prayers and movements. I also have been doing about 20 minutes of qigong walking. My qigong master wants me doing 2 hours per day, but I don’t think he realizes that I work and have kids.

Relationships

Feeling really good about relationships especially since I’ve been using the barefoot walking practice with everyone around me.

I also have been asking myself, “who do you become when things don’t go your way?” I try to be the same loving, accepting, and equanimous self when things don’t go my way.

Spirituality

Feeling very good about prayers and alignment with spirit.

Kūkae (BM)

I seem to be alternating between days of cleansing out my colon and smaller BM days that consist of blood and sediment.

10/9

12:30 AM blood with heavy sediment

2:30 AM blood with heavy sediment

8:30 AM sediment coagulated

12 PM sediment

10/10

6 AM blood sediment followed by large BM in shape and quanity

10 AM Huge BM little to no blood

11 AM residue small liquid BM no blood

5 PM blood sediment

6 PM blood sediment

10/11

6 AM Large blood sediment

8:20 Medium BM little to no blood

7 PM Blood and lots of sediment

10/13

11 AM Huge BM with little to no blood

6 PM blood and sediment

10/14

small blood and sediment throughout the day. No BM.

Aloha Healing 10/09/2015

waning moon Lono
Māhoe Hope 9

I went on a walk with my dear friend Oliver Bock at Rancho San Antonio Open Space Preserve. In the parking lot, we decided to do our normal hike barefooted in order to get in touch with the ‘âina (land).

Oliver shared that he enjoyed an entire summer when he was a kid without wearing shoes (he also slept outdoors every night of that summer). What a “vacation” that must have been, although he said that he wasn’t allowed to go to a lot of places like movie theaters.

On the walk, I started getting jabbed by tons of tiny sharp rocks. Oliver said, “try to relax your feet as much as possible. Let them be soft in knowing that the rocks probably won’t pierce all the way through the skin.” This helped immensely.

feetWhat a wonderful metaphor for dealing with others. What if we just relaxed when people verbally attack us, knowing that they won’t pierce our sole/soul? I immediately put this into practice when we passed an older couple. The woman’s jaw dropped when she noticed that we weren’t wearing shoes. When I smiled and said hello, she wrinkled up her face without returning the salutation.

Normally, this type of judgement would chap my skin, but I just relaxed and let it poke for an instant, knowing that it couldn’t touch the love and interconnection at the seat of our soul. I could almost feel love for this woman. She was suffering in judgement–her face was contorted and she refused the friendliness of two open-hearted strangers.

Oliver and I plan to keep hiking barefoot. I plan to keep relaxing into rocky relationships with love.

cloudsAt the end of the walk, Oliver washed my feet under a faucet. It was an endearing and memorable gesture. So grateful for the beautiful souls that have chosen to walk this path with me.

Diet

I’m going pretty raw, except for oatmeal. I’m also trying to sense into the natural urges in my body. For example, I had the urge/thought for figs. The only figs I could find at the farmer’s market were dried mission figs. Dried fruit is a no no on the cancer diet since it has so much concentrated sugar.

I decided to honor my craving and later found out that figs contain a cancer-fighting compound called psoralen. I eat these figs with fresh raw organic walnuts that also have been shown to decrease colon tumor growth. So maybe my body was trying to tell me something with this craving.

Exercise

Had a full day with morning prayers, exercises and hiking barefoot. I feel so much better when I do my full regimen of morning prayers and movements outdoors. I also did qigong walking.

Relationships

I’m finding it challenging when I have to deal with people who still see me as I was in the past. They don’t seem to see the me of the present. I know I have to let go of this feeling of injustice. So many of my friends see and love who I am now. It just stings when family members can’t or refuse to be present with me.

Spirituality

Clearing very subtle emotions and injuries. Learning to stay relaxed when being poked, knowing that my soul will always be intact.

Kūkae (BM)

The bleeding has come back, although it is a different form. Seems like my bloody BMs are more heavy, coagulated sediment rather than liquid blood.

I’m also aware that the moon is almost a new moon, so bleeding might reflect that.

Aloha Healing 10/7/2015

moon Kâloa Pau
Māhoe Hope 7

I missed a few posts. I’ve decided that I will try to post everyday, but if I’m too tired, then I need to honor my body. Mâlama ko’u kino (Take care of my body)

Last few days have been really healing. I feel more energy and flow. I also continue to ground myself with the ‘âina (land).

Diet

Added Beta 1.3D Glucan to my protocol. My dear cousin-by-marriage-friend-by-divorce, Mitch McCoy sent me a link to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center database of herbs and botanicals. Many of the treatments I am using are listed–mangosteen, milk thistle, turmeric, ashwagandha, green tea, and moringa.

On this website by one of the biggest cancer treatment hospitals in America, most of these alternative treatments say something like “lab and animal studies show that Moringa extracts have anticancer effects. Human data are lacking.” Many of the initial studies were done nearly 10 years ago, which leads me to the question, “why isn’t anyone testing these herbs and natural treatments on humans?”

My dear wife has been combing through clinical trials to try to find anything that is not drug related. There are a number of free clinical trials for rectal cancer, but they all involve chemo, radiation, or drugs.

So researchers are willing to try dangerous drugs on desperate or poor patients, yet they are not willing to do any clinical trials on natural herbs that have been proven to have no deleterious effects on the patient.

I’m not a conspiracy nut, but the obvious link between big Pharma, the FDA, and Allopathic medicine almost ensures that natural treatment gets ignored and drug therapy, that we have been using for decades with no decrease in cancer, gets all the attention and money.

As Robert Wright says, “Cancer is about power and money.” Cancer is big business. No one is going to fund a clinical trial that shows how carrot juice can cure cancer because Big Pharma can’t make money off carrots that can be bought at the grocery store for less than a dollar.

All this research gives me more confidence that these alternative, natural treatments work even though there are no clinical trials on humans.

Exercise

Been walking the boys and dog to school everyday. It feels good to share time and fresh air with the boys.

Relationships

I got a bit upset when I heard about members of my family calling me crazy for not doing chemo, radiation, and surgery. It is amazing how laypeople who know nothing about cancer are convinced that the best (and only) treatment for cancer is what conventional medicine “advertises” in the media.

One of my friends asked my cousin what I was doing to treat the cancer and she said, “Some crazy alternative stuff.” I haven’t talked to this cousin since I got my diagnosis. She doesn’t know what I am doing. I find it shocking how people judge my actions without even talking to me.

I know I have to let this go. People are going to judge, misunderstand, and gossip. What I”m going to make an intention to focus on is how my friend supported my decisions after talking to me for an hour. I also appreciate everyone who follows this blog, sends positive energy, gives constructive criticism, and unconditional love.

Spirituality

Learning to clear any conflict in my body, mind, and life.

Kūkae (BM)

Entering a new phase where I have large BMs in the morning with little or no blood. Very few BMs during the day. Then small blood and sediment BMs in the evening.

Overall, the bleeding has been noticeably less over the past few days.

Aloha Healing 10/5/2015

moon_day_WanC_40 Kâloa Kû Kahi
Māhoe Hope 5

Spent most of the day trying to track down soft-shell turtles. My qigong master swears by eating soft-shell turtles to reverse cancer and tumor growth.

After watching a man hack up a live soft-shelled turtle in San Francisco Chinatown, I was already queasy before I started cooking up the soup. Upon letting it boil for 3 hours, I realized that I didn’t wash the turtle before I dropped it in the pot. turtlePart of me wants to trash the whole turtle and idea, but it cost me $67 and my qigong master would be disappointed, so I have it in the fridge. Not sure what I will do with it in the next few days. If anyone knows about the medicinal properties of soft-shelled turtle let me know.

Diet

A member of my men’s group informed me that vanilla extract contains alcohol, so the raw vegan chocolate sauce I made and ate the other night contained another cancer no no.

I’m finding that any deviation from the anti-cancer diet has immediate effects on my body. I ate a handful of dried veggie chips last night and felt bloated until the morning, although that might have been caused by the turtle soup on my stove.

Exercise

Did full prayers and movements in the morning followed by lots of walking in San Francisco. My energy levels get better everyday.

Relationships

Hung out with my older brother in San Francisco all day. We talked about our mom, our childhoods, and how we coped with abuse in different ways. Then I had men’s group in the evening where the same topics came up with a completely different set of individuals.

So much healing is unleashed when we try to understand and forgive our parents.

Spirituality

Still trying to be attentive to intuitive guidance and have the courage to follow it. I’m really struggling with this turtle soup dilemma.

Kūkae (BM)

Blood again today, but not as much.

Aloha Healing 10/4/2015

moon_day_last ‘Ole Kû Pau
Māhoe Hope 4

Had “The Talk” with my mom this morning. And it was…beautiful.

At one point I asked her how she could let her child get beaten in front of her eyes.

She said that she sometimes tried to pull my step-father off of me, but he would shove her away. She also shared that she would often cry afterwards or blame herself for what happened because she had said something that caused the beatings.

When I heard these confessions, I remembered times when my mom was crying after I got beaten. I also vaguely remember her trying to pull my step-father off of me.

She also said that she would try to talk to my step-father afterwards and tell him that it was too much, but he wouldn’t listen. She even told him that he needed anger management work, but he said that she didn’t know what she was talking about.

It felt good to know that my mother was trying to help me. I thanked her and told her that I loved her.

Later in the evening, in a healing session with Roma Hammel, I told Roma about the talk with my mother. She stopped me mid-sentence and said, “Where are you in your body right now?”

I was no where to be found–all mind, all talk. She then lead me back into my body to “restore to life” that inner child that had learned to dissociate in order to protect himself. I was trying to resuscitate him, but I wasn’t present enough in my own body to blow life back into him.

Roma asked me about when I felt most alive. I told her about a wave I caught while in college at UCSB. It was a huge day at Campus Point, and I pulled into a gaping barreling right. I was so far back in the tube that I instinctually reached my right hand forward which shifted the weight on my surfboard. The foam ball inside the tube came up under my board and shoved me out of the barreling wave.

After I told this story in the present tense as if it was happening right now, my whole body was buzzing with excitement, adrenaline, and aliveness.

“That is the way I want you to bring that young child back to life,” Roma said. “Just like that wave, I want you to shove him gently back into embodiment.”

We went and found the inner child again, and I breathed strong breaths into his body. I pulled him to my heart and let him feel my love.

When he came back to life, we let him vent his anger: “Stop. Never again! Don’t touch me,” we screamed.

Then I cradled him again and told him how I would protect him and never leave him. How I loved him: “Thank you for all the love and joy you bring into my life,” I whispered.

At a certain point that child that I was cradling became me. Roma asked if I wanted to lay on the floor. So I laid down in the fetal position. She covered me with blankets and stroked my back, legs, and hair. After sometime, she left the room, “You can stay here as long as you want, even hours.”

I lay there reliving so many amazing experiences in my life. It felt like I was sharing these experiences with that child who had missed out because he was numb or asleep. After about 45 minutes, I opened my eyes and the whole room looked different. I saw colors and shapes I had never seen before, even though I had been in this room dozens of times. My body felt different as well.

Roma came back and asked me to tell me my name, “Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I said.

“Say it like the warrior that you are,” Roma replied.

“Marshall Makala Kozo Hattori,” I roared.

“Yes, embody that gentle warrior. Be fully present and substantive to who you are,” she said.

“What is up for you now?” Roma asked.

When I told her how i was going to continue blogging and sharing this dis-ease to help and heal others, she said, “You are contracting again. Do you feel that? We tend to revert back to our old habits. Fully inhabit who you are.”

I was reminded of an experience I had at the healing ceremony with Michael. Michael asked if anyone wanted to share a prayer, so I started chanting a Hawaiian oli–E ala E. On the second time through, I felt the presence of powerful ancestors behind me chanting through my body and mouth.

After the ceremony, everyone shared that how much power they felt when I invoked Hawaiian spirits into the space.

What I am realizing is that I need to embody those ‘aumakua, as well as the ‘unihipili (child/unconscious spirit in Morrnah Simeona’s ho’oponopono practice) at all times.

Like the sun, I must shine brightly no matter how dark the clouds. The oli, E ala e, is actually a sunrise prayer that means “Arise! Awaken!”

So grateful for all the Light, Love, and Wisdom I was shone today.

When I was leaving my mom’s house, she said, “Well, I hope everything turns out ok.”

“It already has, mom,” I said truthfully.

Diet

Raw foods and juices with oatmeal. I’m really enjoying the flax seed crackers I dehydrated.

Exercise

Did morning prayers before heading to my mom’s. While saying the St. Francis prayer, I couldn’t remember the third line, even though I say this prayer every day.

Finally it dawned on me walking back to my car, “Lord make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon.”

This reminded me of why I was going to my mom’s house.

Later in the afternoon, I took a nap then swam 7 laps in the pool. In the peak of summer I was swimming 10 laps, so I feel pretty good about doing 7 today.

Relationships

So much love and connection with my mom and my younger self. I feel loved and loving.

Spirituality

I’m learning to balance compassion with power and presence. I want to continue emitting Light and Love through each and every cell in my body. Embodied awakening is a moment by moment practice.

Kūkae (BM)

7:30 AM small sediment and a little blood followed by large “hot” BM with no blood

1:40 PM liquidy BM with blood

5:00 PM small BM with blood

6:40 PM small BM, mostly blood

The blood came back today, but not nearly as much or as frequent as before. Staying patient and observant. I’m kind of curious what each day brings.

Aloha Healing 10/3/2015

moon_day_last ‘Ole Kû Lua
Māhoe Hope 3

Diet

Had 4 beautiful raw meals today including flaxseed chip nachos, fresh salad, raw daikon rice sushi roles, and fresh squeezed vegetable juice.

THEN, I found a recipe for raw chocolate sauce in my raw foods cookbook. While blending the ingredients I knew that this was not what I need at this point in time, even though there was no processed sugar in the sauce. The look and the smell, however, were irresistible, so I poured some over some figs and walnuts and chowed down.

While eating the dessert, I inquired why I was doing this. Could it be I needed love and sweetness in my life? Was it because a loved one said something really mean to me today? Or did I just need a reward for all the dietary restrictions I have been upholding?

What is done is done. I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but I am going to remember how the experience of eating the chocolate sauce isn’t worth all the mind and body dis-ease I’m experiencing.

Exercise

Did morning prayers and movements this morning and 20 minutes of qigong walking. Took a nap in the afternoon while my sons watched an episode of “Once Upon a Time.” Then hiked up a 1.5 mile steep redwood trail with my 5 year old son on my back the whole way. I told my friend that 2 weeks ago, there was no way I would have been able to hike up this trail, much less carrying a 40 pound child. I’m feeling stronger and healthier everyday.

Relationships

Got to spend quality time with my sons and some close friends. Grateful for that.

Spirituality

I was telling my friend that I feel like I’m going with the flow of a river that includes spiritual, nutritional, medicinal, psychological, financial, and relational currents. They all seem to be flowing in the same direction–Let go without fear, stop clinging to illusions of security, love what is as it is, keeping giving and serving.

Kūkae (BM)

7 AM mostly sediment with a little blood and BM

9:15 AM Med-large BM with very little blood.

10 AM small BM with no blood

11:10 small soupy BM with no blood

3:20 Blood and sediment

Having interspersed bleeding which hopefully indicates healing.